November 9th, 2008


I want you to be back tomorrow

Thanks much for the notes about Lego. I don't think I can respond individually--feeling rather gutted this morning. I know I did right by him. But it's in my nature to find something to second guess, in the same way that I recheck the door even though I know I locked it. And of course, I had to make a choice from the available options; the option for "this goes away and he is healthy and happy" wasn't there, no matter how desperately I wanted it. It all happened so fast--and I know that realistically, I'd rather it be fast than a slow painful decline, but it still feels like he was snatched out of my hands.

The vet kept saying how beautiful he was.

This was the first morning in nearly 16 years that I didn't have to get up carefully in case I was disrupting someone's bed when I moved the covers, the first morning I wasn't escorted down the stairs for breakfast. I sit at the computer and wait to hear the kerTHUMP of a cat jumping off the bed to come to the lap he knows is available once he hears the computer chair move.
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    depressed just rotten